Heavy

I have a lot of friends who are going through quite a bit right now. It is really easy to get caught up in their struggles b/c you care so much. Many of them are struggling with marital problems. Marriage is difficult and you really have to work at it.

I don't understand marriage to be honest with you. It is this really bizarre relationship. I also don't understand women who stay in abusive situations. My roommates and I were talking about this when I was up in Nashville. One of my roommate's friends is suffering from an emotionally abusive relationship which is just as devastating as physical abuse. There is no band aid for emotional abuse and most women don't talk about it. We just discussed how we can't understand why women stay involved in that. I guess they do it for the kids, security, financial reasons, etc. I just don't understand it! Oh well.

Marriage is bizarre b/c you live with this person, you share everything, they know everything about you (most everything) and nobody can tell you before you do it how difficult it can be.
I have a friend who puts up w/ so much crap and I just don't understand it. The argument can be it is b/c I don't have kids and so I can't understand. I think if you are in an emotionally abusive situation you are dishonoring yourself and your kids to stick around! That is just my opinion.....

Moving on. Marriage can also be a beautiful thing if you are married to your best friend. My grandmother once gave me some GREAT words of advice. She said, " Honey, do not marry someone you can live WITH. Marry someone you cannot live WITHOUT!" How brilliant is that? Did I follow her advice? I thought I did. I mean, being the independent woman that I feel I am, I don't feel I can't live without anyone. I will met people wherever I go and can be successful in things that I am passionate about. That is when I realize it is a decision for me to need someone and love someone in a marital relationship.

O.k..... this is too deep for me. I am off to Lowe's to look for a new faucet b/c mine broke and the water drips. It bugs me to listen to it.
Have a great evening.

Hugs to all.
J

Summer

WOW! I can't believe summer has come and gone. It seems pretty impossible, but I guess it makes sense since mine was so busy! I had a GREAT summer and I went to many cool places and did many very FUN things.

In late May I went to Puerta Vallarta, Mexico. That was a ton of fun except for the good times with American Airlines. In July I went to San Diego, CA with very special friends. My very best friend and I went with her two kids. We had a great time. I saw many cool sights such as the Kodak theatre (we went on a tour of that), Jerry from the Bachlorette, LA, Hollywood, Beverly Hills and all that goes along with that. We also went to a Padres game and it was really fun! I could go and on about how great that trip was.

In late July I went up to Nashville to see my college roommates. It seems as though when we are together it is as if time never moved on. We always seem to pick right back up where we left off. This time was VERY different. We seemed to have all been in the same place. We discussed our similarities and differences about life, but we all came back to some of the same feelings that we had all really suppressed a time or two in our lives. It is crazy (very) how our lives are so extremely parallel. It is almost a bit scary!! We lived the week as if we were in college again only it was better. We were LEGAL and in college.... which makes our being together even more dangerous! I really miss them more than I can explain. Life is very very crazy, reckless, and at times way too intense for our liking. I love my girls so very much and it is amazing how unbelievably in sinc we all are.

They have kids and I don't. I love to be free but I also feel a sense of emptiness. They love their children but are in a strange way jealous of my freedom to roam in my life. I am a bit jealous of my life as well b/c I have a good one.

I recently made an incredible playlist on my Ipod that reminds me of that week in Nashville. I will go again soon to be w/ them. I look very forward to running marathons again and running some w/them. I remember in college I used to beg them to run w/ me and now they are running like nothing else. What would really be cool is if we could all live in the same town and hang out all the time........ sigh..... how cool. Nashville would never be the same.... nor would we.

Oh well. I could go on and on but I won't. I am up b/c I can't sleep and I hate that feeling.
Good night friends. It is a lonely night. One of those nights that you wish you knew your neighbors and you could go hang out on the patio and talk for hours. At least I wish I had a neighbor like that. I haven't had one of those in this crazy town.

Happy ................... um..... happy .... day?? Month? August?

Good night.
J

O.K Kelly

Kelly,
You are correct. I just read your quote that you sent me from C.S. Lewis. You know, loving is a HUGE part of life. Without love, nothing good would exist!! I appreciate you sharing this quote with me that somebody shared with you. Thank you!

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." ~ CS Lewis


See, this is a great quote! I wouldn't want to know life without love, but sometimes I just don't want to be hurt! I am not always this pathetic. I just generally love love love wayyyy too much!

Thanks Kel!
J

I didn't realize?$%^

I did not realize how long it has been since I have written. I suppose there has been a lot going on. Let's see, since the last time I wrote, I have been on two really nice trips! It seems as though they were very relaxing, but it is amazing how quickly you forget how relaxed you once were.

Mexico was a blast!! Oustide of the missed plane, concusion and Montezuma' s revenge, everything was great!! I then took a girl's trip! What fun! Can't even begin to describe it!

I guess I found myself at the computer tonight looking up random blogs and then decided to write one myself. It was crazy to see how long it has been since I have written. The reality hit me: It is ALSO crazy to see how I have neglected many things in my life. I guess I have been too wrapped up.

It really is not like me to throw all of my eggs in one basket, but it seems lately like that is what I have done. Well, it is time for me to pull myself together and do a better job of dispersing my eggs. I usually don't even put all the same colors in a basket but it feels like I might have done that too! The time has come. One basket gets way too comfortable and it decides to break b/c it is tired of holding all of the eggs. On top of that, if you put too many eggs in one basket, then they begin to smell! YUCK!!

The question: How do you explain to the eggs that it is time to shuffle around. I know it is comfortable to stay where they are, but alas we must shuffle!
LET THE SHUFFLE BEGIN MY FRIENDS!!!!!

There are lots of different colors in that basket b/c there are lots of different pieces to me. Do you ever wonder if a basket just can't handle the eggs? I wonder that. The eggs are to perfect and good to be true! So.... the basket just decides it doesn't know what to do and it stops doing what it once did.... HOLDING the eggs correctly! Is there a correct way. I think so. I know for a fact that eggs can be extremely fragile and so you can't just rip the basket out from under them. You have to be gentle. Eggs can be tough if needed as well.

This is a ramble.... and as some of my east coast friends say: They love it when I ramble. You know what? Sometimes I can't help the ramble b/c then it eventually comes out!!!! Well.... time to shuffle away.

If you don't understand any of this blog... that's cool. For many of you, it is not meant to understand! I actually discovered my feelings about this through an episode of Sex and the City! It was a great one! I adore and appreciate many of the topics those four girls discuss!

Well.... sleep tight my friends!!!!

Hugs to you all~
J

Still take the cup!!

I sense that the cup isn't going anywhere soon! I don't know, I just sense that it isn't.

I had a good day today. My run was nice but not as long as yesterday... 4 miles! The weather was a bit more warm and I was a bit more tired. Not usually a great combination!
However, I didn't see any snakes today. Yesterday I saw two. I don't love snakes. In fact, I HATE them.

You know... the best way sometimes to avoid issues is just to ignore them. That might not be exactly the healthiest way, but it sure seems easier at times. I couldn't help but just laugh parts of my day off today.

O.k~ I have to make a list again!

Things that frustrate Janell:

~ a really full belly (I have one right now)
~ babies that are out way to late at wal-mart
~ when ppl are really mean
~ clothes that are too tight and weren't last year or two years ago
~ ppl who aren't thankful for what you give them (talking about mother's day present)
~ Temperatures below 40
~ Temperatures above 100

Things that make Janell happy: (This list could go on and on)
~ Nice ppl
~ genuinely happy ppl
~ Sleepovers in fancy hotels (not that I frequent many of them)
~ Birthdays ; )
~ Suprising someone with a gift
~ Pregnant bellies
~ Propel
~ Swimming pools on a hot summer day
~ the sound of a sleeping baby
~ MEXICO
~ Best Friends ; )
~ New love
~ Puppies (wiener dogs in particular ~ two boys under one roof~ one red and one black)
~ hot showers
~ perfect baths
O.k.... the list is pretty much endless!

Well...... goodnight!!!

J

Take this stinkin' cup

I have an old friend from elementary school who turns 30 tomorrow. We always called her "Downtown Julie Brown" b/c her name was Julie Brown. I don't know what happened to her b/c I didn't keep in touch. I think she has a child now but is not married. It seems like my mom told me that once. I am really not sure why I am writing about this and I am not sure why I remember her birthday. I know... it's strange!

Well... I ran today and that was nice! 5 miles to be exact and the weather was PERFECT!!!! There aren't that many PERFECT running days here in the great state of TX! No humidity today and little wind. The high was 80.

I am writing b/c I have a TON on my mind. For the first time in my life, I understand when Jesus said to God, "Lord, take this cup." That has been running around my mind for the last week! There is something in my life that I really just want to disappear. I realize that God didn't take it away for Jesus and I also realize that He may not take it from me. I sort of feel like He won't and that I will have to go through what I need to go through...... DANG IT!!!! As I say when I am around my school children and want to cuss but can't : STINK PANTS!

I realize that going through things....blah blah blah.... makes you a stronger person...blah blah blah! Fine....... I got that part! Oh well!

Tony B's birthday bash ~ Fandango to be exact is this weekend! It will be lots of fun! I am looking very forward to seeing lots of ppl that I haven't seen in a while! It is always great for your ol' brain to take you back.

I want to thank my very special friend for helping to make this past Sunday a nice day. THANK YOU FRIEND! I had a nice weekend and look forward to the 28th of May! I will be kickin' it up in MEXICO! Talk about fun! I will need the pictures to remind me of the fun I had. Can't forget the camera.....

Well..... looking back... it seems like I write more on Tuesday evenings b/c I am saying: Happy Hump Day! I guess tomorrow is already Wednesday! WOW!

Goodnight.
J

Doesn't it drive you crazy?

You know how sometimes stuff drives you crazy and you don't know why? Isn't it even worse when something IS wrong and you don't know what it is?

Things that drive me crazy:
*when I don't know what is wrong with me
*when ppl ramble to me about their crap but don't ever take a breath to listen to others
*deadlines/timelines
*bitchy ppl
*ppl who don't listen
*ppl who don't stand up for themselves
*ppl who don't have a passion or know what theirs might even be
*when you work hard at showing love for someone and they "don't know how" to show it back
*dirty clothes
*dishes
*not being able to poop ; )

I know~ I am being really pessamistic right now but I am trying to type it out to figure out what is wrong! I can't figure it out. I HATE not knowing what is driving me crazy inside!

I want to love and then be able to shut it off when I don't want to feel it anymore! I wish more than anything I could do that .... SHUT IT OFF WHEN I WANT TO!

Happy Hump day tomorrow~
J

Vulnerability

Loving makes you vulnerable! I was told once that the most vulnerable state that you can be in is when you love unconditionally. Have you ever thought about that? If you love without fear or condition, it makes you extremely vulnerable! Think about it.... this can be very scary. Loving unconditionally also means being TRANSPARENT! Think about it: Transparent. YIKES! I don't know about you, but there aren't many people in this world who I can be transparent with. In fact, I only know of one person who has seen me transparent.... only ONE!

There are many ways to love and be vulnerable:
1) In a marriage relationship
2) Parent/child relationship
I could list a few more but these are just a couple of examples that make me think of being vulnerable.

For someone who feels the need to push away and not get too close, I can say that loving unconditionally and without fear is very challenging! I have felt in my heart before so close to someone that I just wanted to run b/c it terrified me to love like that. It was a love different than any other. I wanted this love, I was afraid of it b/c I didn't want to face the rejection of not being loved back the way I felt like I was going to love this person. I still feel like I am afraid to love them too much for fear of my love being rejected at some point in this life!

You know, I was raised to where it was easier to push away when you began to feel too much love or vulnerability to someone. I learned to love, share your love, and walk away fast before you got too burned. I guess that is why in some ways I fear bringing new love(s) in to my life. It is so much easier to keep things at arms distance, but at the same time, life is meaningless without the love like I have experienced. MEANINGLESS!!!

I am so thankful that I have been given certain people in my life to love more than life itself. Have you ever wondered what you would do w/out certain people? I wonder that often. Life is not supposed to be easy or safe. I can only hope that I never push or detach from these people.
I LOVE this feeling inside of me. I wish that I never felt hurt or the need to want to separate my love.

Thank God for being able to know this kind of love. I can't imagine my life without knowing this love! So thankful...................

Hugs,
J

Happiness...

Ever been so happy you don't know what to do about it?
I have a lot of friends right now who are in a great place in their lives! I feel as though I am too.

Lots of things make me happy:
Warm chocolate chip cookies right out of the oven
Girl Scout cookies
Starbucks
Playing piano and thinking of friends
Love
Best Friends
My doggies
Cozy p.j.'s (or none at all).. hee hee!

I could go on and on but I won't.
I am just really happy for a lot of reasons. Even when I am tired (which is now), I still just find myself VERY happy! I want to really thank those ppl in my life who contribute to my happiness. You all should know exactly who you are ; )

Tomorrow is Friday! TGIF!
Oh, I love sleepovers too! ; )

JB

Did she have passion?

That is the question the Greeks want to know. No, really, it is. When you die and if you are Greek, the main question asked at your funeral or about your life is, "What was her passion?" Your passion is used to summarize your life.

I consider myself to be a VERY passionate person! If it is teaching, I am passionate. If it is running, I am passionate. If it is loving, I am passionate. I love many people in this world. Honestly, I have to say, if I really LOVE you, then I tend to love YOU passionately. That passion can be shown in a variety of ways. For example: gifts, cards, tight hugs, commitments, and other things.

I have a new passion these days. I wouldn't say it is new, but it is seriously being developed more. Passions are amazing. What is YOUR passion??

I want to make sure I feed this passion and nurture it in the way that it needs to be nurtured and loved. I can take this passion wherever I go in this world and be happy and comfortable. If you are like me, you think about your passions a lot and you take them w/ you EVERYWHERE you go ...even if it is only in your mind. I can never get them (it) out of my head. I long to develop all of my passions better.

Life is short and YOU are brilliant if you develop your passions in life. I feel strongly about being PASSIONATE about the things/people you love. We are only on this earth a few short years! To me, it is very imperative that you live out your passions and don't worry about being judged b/c of them.

I do believe that passions can be healthy/unhealthy. This particular passion I am speaking of tonight is a very healthy one. It is one of those passions that was somewhat of a God given surprise. I didn't know I loved it or was passionate about it until.... one day it hit me like a ton of bricks. I CAN'T LIVE W/OUT IT!!! Ever felt that way???

If you don't have a passion(s), then I highly recommend searching for whatever it is you may long for in your day-to-day life.

Here is how I hope my obituary (if I was Greek) would read:

Janell, an amazing teacher, runner, lover, and friend, died last night from complications of being too passionate. She was 30 years old. Her passions were fierce, but her soul light. This courageous young woman understood that situations did not happen b/c of coincidences. She clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents but rather a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite divine plan. She, in many ways, was a changed woman b/c she lived out her passions.

Her reason of death is still not known. It might be possible to say that she died from loving too much.

She was able to love and be loved by all those who came in contact w/her. She strived only to love the way she wanted to BE loved. She believed that if we wanted to live in harmony w/ the universe, we must all posses a powerful amount of passion. Her passions were her destiny!
12/17/ - ???

Good night my friends! If you know me, I hope that I have shown you that I am a passionate person and long to love as I love to be loved.

Please hold!

Have you ever had someone answer the phone and all they say is "Please hold"? Frustrating isn't it! Before you know it a recorded voice comes back on the line and says, "all circuits are busy right now. Your call will be answered in the order that it was received." ( and how the hell do you know what order that is)? Before you know it, you have heard that voice perhaps 10 different times in a matter of 5 minutes, but nothing is getting accomplished. Is it frustrating? It can be!!! Especially if you are in a hurry and only feel like you have a short amount of time to get this question answered b/c you have to get back to your daily schedule. Hmmmm......

I can relate! I have been there. In fact, I am there now! PLEASE HOLD. Don't do ANYTHING you really enjoy. Don't teach full time, don't RUN, don't drink alcohol, and whatever you do, DON'T GET TOO STRESSED about it all!!! Hmm??? Just: Please Hold!!! It may take a few months or years but just try not to think about it. Keep yourself occupied but don't do any of the above. Sounds like simple steps to follow, but somehow you feel yourself getting impatient.

Do you ever feel like you want to yell at the person (even if it is a recording) on the other end of the phone? Of course you do! But then you realize they can't really fix it, they just tell you they will try to help you fix it. They offer you other 800 numbers to call, but each person tells you something different. You've been there! Haven't you?

If one more person says, "Please hold", meaning, let's just give it 2 more weeks and then we will try this.... or this... or we can wait 5 more weeks and see what happens. For some reason it is like the man in the commercial: he waits on hold forever and then finally gets a real person on the line. The train he is on goes through a tunnel and he looses service! YUP! That is exactly what it is like! He doesn't want to make that call again and go through WAITING on that LONG painful HOLD b/c when he gets a real voice, he might get disconnected AGAIN!!!!

If you are stresesed by this blog: JUST RELAX!!!!!!

Hee hee!!!! JUST RELAX... famous last words of the doctors and ignorant people!

Tomorrow is HUMP DAY... just relax... you are almost to Friday!

Hugs,
J